Colbert Gives Mike Lee The Mike Lee Treatment


>>Stephen: BUT TRUMP IS NOT
THE ONLY REPUBLICAN SPEAKING OUT AGAINST THE GREEN NEW DEAL. SO IS UTAH SENATOR AND DRIVER’S
ED TEACHER WHO’S ABOUT TO BECOME YOUR STEPDAD, MIKE LEE. YESTERDAY, DURING A DEBATE ON
THE GREEN NEW DEAL, LEE OFFERED A NOVEL SOLUTION TO GLOBAL
WARMING.>>MR. PRESIDENT, THIS IS THE
REAL SOLUTION TO CLIMATE CHANGE: BABIES. THE SOLUTION TO SO MANY OF OUR
PROBLEMS AT ALL TIMES AND IN ALL PLACES IS TO FALL IN LOVE, GET
MARRIED, AND HAVE SOME KIDS. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: I LIKE BABIES. I LIKE BABIES. I’VE MADE BABIES. SOME OF MY BIT OF FRIENDS WERE
ONCE BABIES. BUT GETTING MARRIED AND MAKING
BABY SAYS SOLUTION TO ALL OUR PROBLEMS AT ALL TIMES AND IN ALL
PLACES? (AS CAR MECHANIC) :
“WELL, I’LL TELL YOU WHAT’S GOING ON HERE, MR. JONES, YOUR
TRANSMISSION IS SHOT. IT’S GOING TO COST YOU $800 FOR
ME TO FIX IT, OR YOU COULD MAKE AN HONEST WOMAN OUT OF BETHANY. SHE LOOKS FERTILE. YEAH, YEAH, I’D DO IT.” ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) I DO LIKE BABIES. I LOVE BABIES. BUT LEE’S JUSTIFICATION FOR HIS
BABY THEORY MADE MUCH MORE SENSE… TO NO ONE.>>PROBLEMS OF HUMAN IMAGINATION
ARE NOT SOLVED BY MORE LAWS. THEY’RE SOLVED BY MORE HUMANS. MORE BABIES WILL MEAN MORE
FORWARD-LOOKING ADULTS, THE SORT WE NEED TO TACKLE LONG-TERM,
LARGE-SCALE PROBLEMS.>>Stephen: YES, WE CAN’T DO
ANYTHING NOW TO SOLVE THE LONG-SCALE PROBLEMS OUR KIDS
WILL BE FACING LATER. FIRST, WE HAVE TO HAVE THE KIDS
SO THERE WILL BE SOMEONE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THOSE PROBLEMS. AND, YES, YES, YES, WE’RE
KICKING THE CAN DOWN THE ROAD, WHICH IS TECHNICALLY LITTER, BUT
LITTER IS A PROBLEM THEY’LL HAVE TO SOLVE. POINT IS, GET IT ON, AND I MEAN
RAW DOG, BECAUSE WE’RE NOT DOING JACK. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS. LEE CONTINUED:
>>AMERICAN BABIES, IN PARTICULAR, ARE LIKELY GOING TO
BE WEALTHIER, BETTER EDUCATED.>>Stephen: REALLY? I’M NOT SO SURE THEY’RE BETTER
EDUCATED. HAVE YOU SEEN FORMER AMERICAN
BABY MIKE LEE? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LEE’S SPEECH WAS INSPIRING IN ONE WAY. ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ TWEETED
ABOUT LEE, “IF THIS GUY CAN BE SENATOR, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH! DAMN. DAMN! MAYBE IT’S GOOD THAT SEA LEVELS
ARE RISING, BECAUSE MIKE LEE’S GONNA NEED SOME WATER FOR THAT
BURN. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT THAT BABY PICTURE WASN’T LEE’S ONLY TOOL OF
TAXPAYER-FUNDED PROP COMEDY.>>THIS IS, OF COURSE, A PICTURE
OF FORMER PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN NATURALLY FIRING A
MACHINE GUN WHILE RIDING ON THE BACK OF A DINOSAUR. IN A FUTURE WITHOUT AIR TRAVEL,
HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET AROUND THE VAST EXPANSES OF,
SAY, ALASKA DURING THE WINTER? WELL, I’LL TELL YOU HOW:
TAUNTAUNS, MR. PRESIDENT. ALL RESIDENTS OF HAWAII WOULD BE
LEFT WITH IS THIS.>>Stephen: A VERY INNOVATIVE
USE OF VISUAL AIDS FROM POP CULTURE AND SCIENCE FICTION. IN FACT, IT’S INSPIRED ME. BRING IT ON OUT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SENATOR LEE, YOU’RE THE MOST EMBARRASSING PART OF A STORIED
AMERICAN INSTITUTION. YOU, SIR, ARE THE SENATE
JAR-JAR SPHINX OF THE SENATE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHEN I HEAR YOU TALK, I CAN ONLY SAY “MAMA MIA 2, HERE WE GO
AGAIN.” AND FINALLY, SIR, OF COURSE, MR.
BACK OF A GIANT SLOTH. WHY? WHY, YOU ASK? BECAUSE MY GRAPHICS TEAM
GOT HIGH.