Lisa Nichols – Teach People How To Treat You


– Hi there, and welcome back
to the Lisa Nichols show where we spend time coming together to inspire, educate,
transform ourselves together. This is the place that we come so that we can believe, and we can get the tools to actually achieve
what we want, the life. Look, I got a guest with me. A special guest. My boy, Matt Gil. Your boy, Matt Gil. So so often, Matt and I are
on live stations together. We travel the world together. And Matt’s always like in the background when I’m recording the shows for you. Matt’s a major, major part of the team to make sure that I hear your voice, to make sure that you hear my voice, and that we do it. So, we’re doing a special show today. You know, we’re real big
on asking you to comment. – Right. – And so, I’m super excited
about what’s happening today. – And then, on today’s episode, we’re actually taking some of
the comments and the questions you guys have been asking. What I’d love, with
just spending some time and reading through all of the different action steps that people have been taking as a result of the show. The new awareness that has come as a result of the show. The, just the new oxygen that has been created and life that people are breathing, that you are breathing, as a result of the show. – Oxygen. And you know, you say that word because you’ve read it so much. – Right. – Like, it’s beautiful to read the words, “this was oxygen for me”. The number one comment
that we hear people say is. – “I needed this right now, today.” – So if you wrote that, we read it. And people all around the world wrote the exact same thing on many, many different episodes. So I’m excited about today because today, the lesson
really isn’t from me. The lesson is going to be born out, organically come out of the question that you ask on behalf of you. – So today, we just want
to do some of the questions and some of the comments. And we want to share some of those. Again, a little bit of insight on some of the questions
that people are asking. – So if you have a question, make sure you send it in. Because we’ll do more episodes like this. If you like it, we’re going
to give you more of it. Where your questions are being
answered live for the world to benefit from the answer from. – So our first question that has come in is from a Style by Mercy. And she says, “My intuition”. This actually comes from the episode “Trust Your Intuition”, which is a really, really juicy one. Like, you look at the comments from that particular show. So many people really
resinated with that message and really just touched their soul. And she wrote in, “My intuition told me to
leave my stressful job “at a law firm where I wasn’t happy “and become a wardrobe stylist. “So I put in my two weeks, “and I took the leap. “I feel so much better mentally, “but my chatter keeps saying, “‘how can you leave a job “when you don’t have
another job lined up?’ “So how do you manage your
self talk in that chatter “when you’re making bold movements “into something unknown?” – So this is for anyone, who you recognize it while
your intuition is speaking, your chatter’s speaking at the same time, and how do you know which
one is going at one time? Any particular time? And how do you turn up your intuition and turn down your chatter? So, Style by Mercy, one of the things that I have always done, ever sine I figured this out, was I recognize what my chatter’s saying, and I actually give my chatter validation. ‘Cause your chatter is
like a warning to us. Your chatter, fear of storms, fear is our friend. Fear isn’t our enemy. Fear is as relevant and as necessary as any other emotion. Compassion, love, all of those emotions that we welcome. Fear is just like any of those. But fear is fueling you
for to go get more answers. Fear is telling you we don’t have enough information. We don’t have a mentor,
we don’t have a coach. We don’t have a, fear is telling you to get something. Because when you go
get the thing you need, when you give yourself what you need, you mitigate the fear. So when the chatter comes up, ask yourself, what is
the chatter telling me I need to go do, and I need to say, and I need to make happen? What’s happening? The chatter is telling me something. So in this particular case, chatter’s telling you financial stability. Chatter’s telling you, I don’t want you to
compromise your lifestyle. I don’t want your car to go away, I don’t want your home to go away, I don’t want your, whatever that thing is
you do for an outlet, to go away. So that chatter is telling you something. So you don’t eliminate the chatter. You listen to the chatter and mitigate the chatter. You don’t let the chatter drive. See, that’s really your question. How do you not let the chatter drive? – That right there is a
just a mind shift change. We run from fear, but yet, when you say
that it’s speaking to us, like that’s key. – Fear is really informing you. It’s not the enemy. I’m afraid I’m not going to move. No, no, no, don’t be afraid and not move. Be afraid and seek what you’re afraid of. So you can go minimize
it into the nothingness that it always was. ‘Cause fear is a created conversation about the future that hasn’t happened yet. I’m going to say that again because I know that’s kind of wild. Fear is a conversation, you’re projecting what
you think might happen. Well, I don’t want to
get a new relationship. I might get hurt. I don’t want to start a business. I might lose my money. Or I don’t want to ’cause I might. You’re just projecting what
you think would happen. Now, how do you take what
you think would happen and put in place a strategy
to make sure it doesn’t? So, Style by Mercy, right? Style by Mercy, if you
were being coached by me, prior to quitting the law firm, you’ve already done it now, great. Let’s make it work. However, if you’re being coached by me prior to quitting your job, I would have coached you the way I coach hundreds of students. To say yeah, if you don’t
want to be where you are, let’s not be there. However, let’s make a strategy so that you can fund your future before you leave. It will require you to be patient. It will require you to
work and do some things you’ve never done before, say some things you’ve never said before so that you can be the man or woman you’ve always known yourself to be. Right? And so I say, how do we buy your freedom? So I’m not sure if you’ve
heard me tell the story about how I wrote myself a check. When I worked at LA
Unified School District, I wrote myself a check every two weeks. My first check was $110 ’cause that’s all I could afford to write myself a check for. And every two weeks for
three and a half years, I wrote myself a check. And in the memo line of every check I said, “Funding my freedom”. Funding my freedom, funding my dream. You know better than me. Buy my freedom, funding my dream. I was funding my dream. And I didn’t even know what the dream was. I just knew I needed
to maintain a lifestyle for my son and I. And so, the way you
mitigate fear and chatter is you put in place a strategy. A solid, doable strategy. And it’s going to require you to do things you’ve never done before. Write things you’ve done before. And the strategy in it of itself is going to make you shake. – Right. – But the strategy gets you excited because the fear begins to
reduce with the strategy. And so, chatter comes up when
you don’t have enough answers. And you’re looking for answers, but you’re not giving them to yourself. You have, you really have
a lot of the answers. You may not have access to them at the top of mind, but you can go get them. I was someone who didn’t have any financial background whatsoever other than, I made money, I spent money, and money burnt my pocket like it burnt my mamma’s pocket. Unhealthy relationship to money. But I wanted to reduce
the fear of stepping out into my future of being a speaker. Okay, how do I do that? I knew that I could live on $31,000 a year and so, I saved until
I got to $31,000 a year for two years. And when I got to $62,000,
I quit my day job. And I knew I had two years
of my stability in tact to make this thing called
a speaking career work. And so, Style by Mercy, we need to get a strategy in place. So your creative side, you’re a stylist, so you’re a creator. You’re going to have to
build the linear structure side of your brain. Which mine wasn’t developed at all when I started speaking. I’m a creator, I’m an artist, I’m a spoken-word artist. And yet, I need to be fiscally responsible for my future. So I had to learn what did that look like. And so, go replace your
fear with information and with a strategy, and it will reduce into the nothingness that it always was. – Love that. Fear for information. – [Lisa] Yes. Replace fear for information. – That is key. Lakiah says, she said, “First off, Lisa, “I love you. “God has literally placed you in my life, “and you are the answer to my prayers. “My life has been transformed. “Absolutely changing and amazing “in the past for months. “But I’m scared. “Can this stay? “How do you overcome the fear “of being able to see success “so when success is new, “there’s greatness in your life, “and it’s something that
you’re unfamiliar with? “Living in the fear of losing it again “or not having it”. – So I always say, are you building your dreams on cement or sinking sand? So, what does building your dream on cement look like? And what does building on
sinking sand look like? So when we have fast success, and it’s that hustle mentality, and you don’t have a clear path on how you got there, and more importantly, a clear path on how you’re
going to get there again, and again, and again, and one more again. When you don’t have that, then all of a sudden, you become worried. So I would say, Lakeifah, I would say Lakeifah, what’s the strategy that got you there? Go back and track how did you get there over the last four months. When you’re successful, you leave clues. Success leaves clues. Find out what are the clues of what you did. What can you rinse and repeat over and over again? And more importantly, what can you up-level to increase your chances of success every time you do it? You’re afraid of if it can last because you haven’t outlined the system that got you there. Now, I got to tell you, sis. If you got there by luck, then I don’t know how it’s going to last. But if you got there by something you did, something you thought, a behavior that you kept reproducing, consistency that you lived inside of, action that you stayed committed to, great. Go document the mindset, the action steps, the consistency, and rinse and repeat. And then, get a tribe around you. I think this a pretty good tribe. Get a tribe around you, but a more intimate tribe as well. This is your online tribe. Get a live tribe. Step onto our campus. Come see me live. Build a community of people to hold you accountable. Not to what you’ve done in the past, not even to the woman you are, but more importantly, to the woman that you’re becoming. ‘Cause when you have people around you pulling you. This is so important. When you’re out in front of everybody, you can even slow down. I remember I went to college. And I ran track in high school. And I was a state champion in high school. I went to college, and I ran, and I won
every event for one year. I was undefeated for a year. But I didn’t improve in my track numbers and my scores at all. I had no improvement. ‘Cause I was out in front. I made no improvement. But man, when I started running against those super crazy fast girls, where I was behind, I, in fourth place, got better than I was when I was in first place. So who’s that tribe that surrounds you, who’s standing two to
10 feet taller than you, that will hold you accountable to the man or the woman
that you’re becoming? Tell them what you want
to create in the world in the next three years, five years in your financial life, in your relationship life, in your family life. Tell them what that looks like. And then keep a track
record on how you got here, and what can you do to get you there? And then stay in action. And don’t be the best
person inside your camp. If so, don’t leave the camp. Just get a second camp. – So you’re talking
strategy and accountability. – [Lisa] And movement. – And movement. – Movement. Strategy, movement, accountability. In that order. Strategy, movement, accountability. – [Matt] I love that, I love that. So Immanuel asks, “Hey Lisa, “I love your show”. And he says, “Can you go more in depth “on what it means to show the world “how it should treat you?” – [Lisa] Oh, of course, Immanuel. I love this topic. And I love you, too. Thank you for your acknowledgement. So, I first said this. I first heard myself say this in 2007 when I was, had the honor of being on the Oprah Winfrey Show. And I remember saying, it just kind of fell out. Right? And then, it was one of the highlights. I kept seeing it replayed everywhere. And it was great that it
was replayed everywhere ’cause I kept seeing it again, and I kept hearing it again for myself. You know you say something, like, oh, that sounds good. Then you hear it back and go, oh, I needed to hear that. It’s one of those things. And it was, “The world
is following your example “of how the world gets to treat you. “And it’s your responsibility
to give the world “the best example possible”. The way you treat yourself is the way I’m going to
follow and treat you as well. So if you don’t give yourself any rest. Now, I want you as you’re
hearing me say this, I want you to just kind of raise your hand or comment, or make a note if you
feel your truth popping up ’cause this is one of those things where the truth just kind
of opens little by little. You go, whoa, I didn’t know
that that was my behavior. Or thank God, I’ve come a long way. So if you don’t give yourself rest, then the world will think
you don’t need rest. The world being your family, your friends. If you say yes to everything, then the world thinks that you should say yes to everything. All of a sudden, your yes actually has less value because you give it away so often. This was a big aha. – That right there is deep. – Man, ’cause I’m a yes girl. I used to be a yes girl ’cause I want to be liked. I want to be liked and loved by everybody so, like, yes, yes, yes. And I’d give it away. And my grandmother taught me. She said, “Baby, if you want
your yes to have any value, “you need to become more
comfortable with your no”. – That right there. That’s a Tweetable moment. – Right, if you want your
yes to become more valuable. If you Tweet it, give
Blanch Houston the credit. I can’t even take the credit. I thought no meant you’re being mean. No, no means I’m being
responsible at times. Because I say yes even when
I don’t want to say yes. So I’m actually being unfair to the people I’m saying yes to. ‘Cause no one wants your resentful yes. No one needs or wants
your overburdened yes. If they love you, they
want your grateful yes. Yeah, I’m excited to do it. And if you’re not excited to do it, or there’s not even
just a neutral feeling, then don’t give the yes ’cause it’s unfair to you and it’s unfair to them. And so, teaching the
world how to treat you has everything to do with how are you holding you in esteem first. How do you love and honor you? You take that extra five
minutes in the shower just because you need that breath? Do you turn the lights out at 10 o’clock ’cause you want to get eight hours sleep? ‘Cause if you’re not willing
to give you eight hours sleep, then I’mma call you at midnight. I’mma call you at five in the morning. ‘Cause I know you up. ‘Cause you gave me that doorway. And so, learning how to teach
people how to treat you, the prerequisite to that is what does falling madly
in love with you look like? And when I discovered
what falling madly in love with Lisa looked like, and it’s not a braggadocios, ego-entered, push the world away. It wasn’t that. It was simply elevating and loving me the way that I want to be loved. Giving me, being the first in line, to treat me well. – And what would be the steps for somebody who says I can’t love myself yet? – Forgiveness. So, cutting the shackles of blame, shame, guilt, regret, and anger. – Say that again. – Cutting the shackles of guilt, blame, shame, and anger. Being willing to forgive yourself. ‘Cause if you can’t love yourself yet, it’s because you’re holding
yourself hostage to something. Something you did or
something you didn’t do. A time where you stood up too fast, did too much, you loved too soon, you let go too soon, you stayed in it too long, you abused yourself, you abused someone else, something. You’re holding yourself
hostage to something. And so I recommend that
you do mirror work. I’m real big on mirror work. Listen, I’m a transformational coach. So I’m going to always
have you do something. So get in the mirror. And this is a longer process, but I’m just going to
have you do this one. Look yourself in your eyes, say your name, and say, “I forgive you for”. And have seven different endings to it. And you might not even be audible. ‘Cause when I first did it, I was like, “Lisa, Lisa,
I forgive you for”. It was one of those, like, ugly cries. – It’s not coming down. – [Lisa] It was one of those cries. And I kept forgiving
myself for the same thing. Seven different things. Every day, I’d say the same seven things I said the day before. Until I feel like healing might come. I did it for six months every day. Every day. I added two other sentences to it, but that was one of the sentences. I did it for every day, Matt, ’cause I had a lot to forgive Lisa for. I had just gotten out of
an abusive relationship, and I felt like I not
only endangered my life, but I endangered my three
year old son’s life. And that felt unforgivable. And I was about to sentence myself to a very dim, dark future. Now I would have been smiling. I would have had some level of success because I can produce in
the midst of my own shame. You know how we’re smart enough, we’re brilliant enough to be able to try to trick everybody else. I knew I can trick everyone else. I had mastered my smile. In front of my tears, I had mastered that. And so, I wanted my smile
to be true and authentic. And so, I just forgave myself. Every day, I forgave myself again for the same thing I forgave myself for the day before until one day I got up, and I said, “Lisa,” looked in the mirror, “I forgive you for”. And I went to say that thing, and it didn’t come out. And I realized that the
forgiveness was already there. So thank you, Immanuel, for the question. – That is juicy. – So I wanted to let you know you have, I know one our favorite, one of your favorite things to do is to go and read all the comments, and you get to hear a lot of the love, and in closing, I just want to acknowledge you. Since I got to spend
some great, quality time reading the comments. The affect that you’ve had on people, the inspiration that you’ve been, the, what I kept hearing
over and over again, was, “This was the perfect message “at the perfect time”. And had you not boldly gone where other people wouldn’t dare go, you said the things that
other people wouldn’t say, you face things that other
people wouldn’t face. – You’re trying to make me cry. – [Matt] Lives wouldn’t be touched. And so, I just want to read to you, just a few things that some people have said because I get the pleasure of working with the Lisa Nichols that everybody gets to see. But I also know the friend and the woman that is Lisa Nichols. – You know sometimes how I have to crawl to the camera? And that’s what you’re not saying. And sometimes I have to
pray myself to a stand. And sometimes, I can’t even pray. You got to pray me to a stand. That’s what he’s not saying. – [Matt] And so as your friend. – My partner in creation. – And the one that’s going to
be standing here by your side, I want to say thank you. I want to say thank you
on behalf of your team, on behalf of the leaders
that stand beside you, on behalf of the people
that watch this episode and catch their breath. One of the most profound statements that somebody had sent in. Frida. I’m going to close with her. Well, Frida says, “This show is my oxygen “to my lungs in a time of
swimming in deep waters “of uncertainty and questions. “This is exactly what
I needed this morning”. And so, on behalf all of us, I say thank you. – It is my honor because I am Matt, I am Frida, I am Immanuel, I am every single person who’s watched, witnessed, didn’t have the energy to type anything or make a comment ’cause they’re still trying
to catch their breath. I am the person who’s soaring and doesn’t want to feel
guilty that they’re soaring while their family might not be soaring. I am you. And I’m grateful that God has chosen to use me in spite of all of my, my ding-dong decisions. I don’t teach from a mountaintop. I teach as I’m walking
up the mountain with you. And I’m grateful. And I’m not going anywhere. And if I am a part of your oxygen, your backpack, your power boost, your get back up, your sit down and breathe for a minute, then I’m honored. I don’t take that, I don’t take that opportunity for granted. So thank you for being thankful because I, too, am grateful. – I love you. – This is why I do this work. This is so rewarding. I don’t if there’s very many things that you can do as a lifestyle where you literally get
back as much as you give. You know what I mean? – Yeah. – This is one of those things. And I’m grateful for it. So remember, this is not a monologue. This is not just about, if nothing else, you can down this episode, just drives home the value of you giving us your comments. – Right. – What was today’s episode for you? What did it make you think about? What was the aha? What was the perfect question? What was that part of the
question that you needed to have asked for you? And more importantly, what part of the answer
are you going to run with? What does it mean to do that? I want you to be willing to share this. Share this with your community, right? You know, I know you share
it with your community all the time. I went over to a friend of mine’s house the other night for a celebration. And about 12 people
there that I didn’t know all said, “Oh, my God. “I love your work. “Such and such shared it with me”. And I went, wow, they got to be inspired because their friend shared it. So share. Comment. – Many of you guys have actually said, “I stumbled across you. “And I found you, and I’m so grateful”. Imagine what it would be like if you were to refer this to your friends who need this message, who need this specific answer to the question that
they’ve been looking for. – Right. What I love about inspiration is that it always fits. It’s never too small. It’s never too big. It’s always just right. So please, subscribe if you
haven’t become a subscriber. If you haven’t realized
yet that this is your home. And we are your tribe. And I am you sister. Matt’s your brother. In prosperity and in possibility. And we mean it when we say, we believe in you, and we love you
– We love you. – Cause we do. See you soon. (inspirational music playing)